First, Michael Myers was Born, and Then He Killed Some People, and Then....

Whatever happened to the days when movies - or, more importantly, the people who make them - didn't feel compelled to explain everything to the viewer? While this is rampant in most Hollywood cinema - it's over the top in comedies - one genre that shows this off really well is horror.

This brings me to Rob Zombie's Halloween. First of all, do not confuse this with John Carpenter's Halloween. Ostensibly, that was part of the goal. Zombie and the studio bigwigs were eager for one of those "reinventions" or "reimaginings" that are so popular this century. Aside from some trace elements - butcher's knife, character names, classic theme music, Shatner mask - there's little to relate the two. It's really more like a bad high school play version of the original.

Now, I'm not one of those who wants to complain about how Zombie wasn't loyal to Carpenter's vision, or any of that nonsense. I'm here to pick a bone with the fact that Zombie felt compelled to tell virtually the entire life story of crazy little Michael Myers. We get the entire day that he butchered his family. I'm serious - the entire day. This is nearly the first half of the film! Zombie apparently felt that we needed to see just how messed up Michael's childhood really was. Is this done to generate empathy of some kind? Is it there to show us just how much of a stone-cold-psycho the kid was way-back-when? As if we don't get that drummed into us throughout the second two-thirds of the film by his doctor. Zombie seems to want to convey very clearly - so there can be no doubt - that this guy was a fucked up little kid who grew into a fucked up grown-up. Or, perhaps more to the point, fucked up little kids stay little kids, even after they've past the legal drinking age. Is this a cautionary tale, then? Hardly. It's just a pristine example of wrapping up a story so nice and neat that you can hear the rustle of the bow.

Now, the whole notion of explaining "why" someone - or something - kills a bunch of people (frequently, horny teens) in one of these movies is nothing new. Psycho classically wraps up with the ultimate explain-o-rama denouement. Even the original Halloween and Friday the 13th lay down some backstory for the audience. But, is it really necessary? Isn't it far more terrifying to not know the reasons why? I know it's far more comforting to have explanations, particularly when one hears of real-life atrocities and crimes. It gives us closure. But - and listen closely here - movies are not real life. Hollywood-folk, if you really want to scare the buh-jesus out of theatre-goers and get some solid word-of-mouth, put out a film like this and don't give the audience closure. Thoughout the last third of Zombie's film, many of his victims ask "Why?" and/or "Who are you?" Well, we the audience already know the answer to those questions. What if we didn't? Wouldn't it just freak you out to watch a movie these days where some guy in a lame Halloween mask just started stalking and hacking-up people for no apparent reason? And, I'm not talking about showing him suiting up, picking out a cleaver, and heading door-to-door. I'm talking about just unleashing him on an established, tranquil setting. That way, when the horny teens are looking for answers, we're right there with 'em.

Two more things and then I'm done.

One, the cinematography in this film just plain sucks. Virtually everything is an extreme close-up of someone's face. And you can forget about establishing shots. By the end of the film, those are so long gone that the interior of every house looks the same. The coup de grace is the climactic stalk/fight. I don't know where they were or how they got there. I deduced it was Michael's boyhood home, but c'mon Zombie, throw me a bone!

Two, and this is actually a moment of praise. Yes, I said "praise" for Zombie and his piece-of-shit film. The man has no qualms about showing topless women in a horror picture. Now, I'm not talking about gratuitous, "oh, I forgot to wash my bra today, better do it now" nudity. I'm referring to the fact that when teens get together to screw around, clothes actually come off. This has been royally shunned over the course of the last decade - particularly in horror films, where being so completely vulnerable is part and parcel to the cause. There's no secret as to why this has been going on: PG-13 makes more $$$ than R. Cannot be argued. Somehow, someone, somewhere said that Zombie's picture could be R, and there you have it. Will this reverse the trend? Will we start seeing more skin in at least our scary movies? Based on this turd of a film, no way in hell.